Sunday, May 15, 2011

Thanks for nothing, Sunday

Fuck today. Fuck obligations. Fuck everyone.

I spent most of the first 18 years of my life being non-judgmental, friendly, and accommodating. I feel like that should be worth something, like I now have the right to be a bitch every now and then.

I'm going to be honest, I don't have any friends I wouldn't change. I don't know of any person I approve of 100%. I'm not saying that they should seek that approval, I'm just saying that I hold myself to exceedingly high standards, so it's only fair if I hold everyone else to the same standards. I wish I could have one day, just one, in which I could go up to every person with whom I have an emotional relationship and tell them exactly what I hate about them without their being able to retaliate.

I hate that you'd condemn me before getting the whole story from the source instead of through rumors.

I hate that you love her more than you love me, even when you claim to be impartial.

I hate that you loved me more then than you love me now, even though I'm still the same person, and you're the one whose perceptions have changed.

I hate that you accuse me of taking you for granted when you've been taking me and my sacrifices for granted all along.

I hate that you claim to be my friend, but only care about that which pertains directly to you.

I hate that you're such a whore.

I hate that you bitch and moan about your work when what you're doing isn't even half as difficult as what I do on a daily basis.

I hate that your relationship with your mother is so much more open than my relationship with mine.

I hate that you slack off and take good grades for granted when I work so damn hard for so little recognition.

I hate that you took away my dreams and then accused me of losing them.

I hate that you were such a shitty, unreliable friend.

I hate that you're shallow, but every time I talk to you, I still hold onto the hope that the conversation will be fruitful.

I hate that you made me doubt the only thing I thought I could count on.

I hate that you make me feel so damn stupid and like I'll never be good enough.

I hate how you poisoned my heart and made me just like you so that I would hate me too.

Because every day I go through the list of things I hate about myself, and it's not fair for me to have to suffer my own venom alone. There are so many things I hate about other people, and so little I love, it's really no wonder I feel so alone all the time. I'm not proud of housing so much resentment. I feel even more resentment towards those who tell me to "just let it go", as if it were that easy. I don't want to forgive people their faults any more, because too often it feels like no one's forgiven me. Like they've never forgiven me, and I'll always be a fuck-up in their eyes, beyond redemption.

I'm tired of being the good guy. I'm tired of taking the higher road. I used to be so forgiving and understanding, and all that did was it made me a whore and a failure. I still care about people, but when I voice my concerns, they take it the wrong way and suddenly I'm the bad guy for not being an enabler. So fine. I won't forgive anymore. I won't try to understand. I'll stop caring.

And just wait, I'll still be a bad guy. Except maybe this time it'll be on my terms, and I'll be able to choose my own labels. I'd rather be a bitch than a whore. I'd rather be heartless than a failure.

I hate that you said you'd never give up on us, but really, wasn't that just all words? Don't you give up every time?